On lacking any sort of motivation, being generally overwhelmed, and only able to think of Doritoes

Today, and yesterday I have not gotten much done. I’ve had tons to do, that’s for sure. But I’m at that point where I’m just so overwhelmed by it that I shut down and hide in the living room buried under two fuzzy blankets and my MBP (surfing adoption websites because my current obsession is learning everything I can about the international adoption process. Sadly I’m slowly discovering that my original plan to one day adopt a little Thai baby girl is practically impossible. Sad face.) I haven’t even really watched any TV (which leads me to believe that we could totally survive without cable, as long as we had Netflix and Hulu because I really enjoy a few certain shows and I’ve heard you can even pay to subscribe to others via iTunes which rocks because I really love True Blood but can’t convince myself to buy HBO for it. I digress…) I don’t know why my inbox and to do list is having such an affect on me. I think fear is at the root. I’m terrified that I’m not going to do it all in time, and well enough. I’m terrified that I won’t make enough money, that I won’t be able to finish all the projects I have in the queue, that my clients will stop liking me. I’m terrified that I’ll single-handedly drive myself under and ruin everything I’ve worked for. Even typing it out I see how ridiculous it seems, and still… I’m terrified.

Multiple times each day I find myself thinking, “If only I made xxxx much money I could buy a house and another car. I could hire a personal assistant to handle email and the phone. I wouldn’t have to worry about money…” (Doesn’t that sound like the best thing ever? Seriously why is that not my life right now. If only…)

My job is wonderous. (Why is spell check redlining that word? Is wonderous not a real word? Well, hell… it is now.) And being my own boss is more amazing than anything I could hope for except that I’m already prone to anxiety and the thought that the success and or failure of myself rests completely on my shoulders is enough to make me start sitting Indian-style, rocking myself while devouring entire crates of Doritoes watching Pride and Prejudice on repeat.

I was talking with one of my friends yesterday about how I’m so sad that I won’t be able to go to yoga for a month because I have meetings each week during the yoga timeslot. She asked me why I scheduled them and I said “Because I had to. They had no other time to meet me.” And she said “You should tell them you have no other time to meet and make them bend to you. If the doctors at my office aren’t available on specific days, the patients just have to deal and make an appointment another time.” And I was all… REVELATION! And I almost made out with her out of sheer joy because she had just ripped the scales from my eyes. Why can’t I say no? Why can’t I put myself first? This is my big issue. I overcommit and overschedule and I let people push me around because I’m afraid that if I don’t bend to every potential client’s every whim, I will lose all my business and have to get a 9-5 which will make me absolutely lose my mind. Then Edward will leave me and I’ll probably end up with a beehive hairstyle slightly reminiscent of the bride of frankenstine and a bunch of cats.


Now how do I keep myself from this behavior? Why knows. Any suggestions? I really need my yoga. I never have time to go to the gym because of my poor scheduling of my meetings. Because I let my potential clients dictate my availability. I don’t want to be a bitch but if someone isn’t willing to allow me to have a LIFE then I shouldn’t want them as a client anyway right?

Ps. The same friend mentioned above gifted me a tape measure from her office (A big BOOYAH for medical marketing supplies!) and I took my measurements. I’m gonna go ahead and wait to share them until they change DRASTICALLY because even I, with my utter lack of what numbers are good or bad) can tell that those numbers are not good numbers. I’d like to take about 15 inches off. Oh, and did I mention that I need to do it by the first week of February or by the LATEST the first week of March. Lord have mercy.


The Nifty Fifty List…

To keep life interesting (but mostly because it’s way more fun than new year’s resoLAMEtions) I put together a list of 50 things I want to do. Not necessarily this year, but just in general. Follow along by clicking on the link at the top of the blog.

Coconut Macaroon Oats

Over the last year I’ve become more and more of an oat addict. And one of my favorite things is copying the flavors of some of my favorite treats and then creating oats recipes that match. So far, in my short career I’ve mastered these flavors: pumpkin pie, Reece’s Cup, peanut butter cookie, Mounds Bar, and now I’m adding COCONUT MACAROONS.

I’m not sure why I got such an intense craving for almond extract and coconut but it instantly made me think of my favorite macaroon recipe and I decided to make it into oatmeal (sans the eggs, obv).

Ok.. now the goods. The best thing about oats is that you can really use whatever you have to make your own versions so if you want to use a different sweetener or whole grain, go for it. Here’s what I used:

1/2 c. oats
1/4 c. Bob’s Red Mill 10 grain hot cereal (because it contains all these goodies: hard red wheat, rye, triticale, oat bran, oats, corn, barley, soy beans, brown rice, millet, and flaxseed)
1 c. water
1 tsp. ground flax seeds
4 drops pure almond extract
2 tsp. brown sugar
a drizzle of honey
1/8 c. coconut
spoonful of almond butter

Combine the first 3, cook until desired consistency, stir in the remaining 6. NOM NOM NOM!
Here’s a little trick I like as well… I like to add a bit of uncooked oats at the very end to stir in and add a bit of texture and chewyness to my oats. Kind of like crumbling in a granola bar without the actual granola bar part. πŸ˜‰

PS. I’ve discovered that I really dislike almond butter on bread but can’t stop eating it when it’s mixed in with oatmeal. Go figure.

2009: Was it good for you?

Found this fun 2009 recap on Food Exercise Express and thought it would be a great way for me to sort through my thoughts on saying goodbye to 2009 and HELLO to 2010…

Was 2009 good for you? Yes. 2009 was the first year I felt like I had come into my own, stood on my own feet, and was myself, fully and unapologetically. It was freeing, exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

What was your favorite moment of the year? Some of my professional successes in 2009 were things that I would have never anticipated and made me happier than I could have ever imagined.

What was your worst moment of the year? Dealing with the fallout of a bunch of different relationships. It’s becoming increasingly hard for me to trust people enough to become anything more than surface acquaintances. Sad and equally true.

Where were you when 2009 began? I can’t even remember. Holy crap… where was I?

Who were you with? Edward, I’m sure. But I can’t for the life of me remember what we were doing.

Where were you when 2009 ended? At work. But I did steal a few sips of champagne. πŸ˜‰

Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009? I made a 101 in 1001 list and checked a lot off.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2010? Yes, a few. I didn’t make a very organized list but basically it boils down to getting back in healthy and fit shape, running a 5K and 10K, building up my professional life even more, saving for a house and some other good things.

Did you fall in love in 2009? I fell again. 2009 was about finding a comfortable rhythm with Edward and figuring out the real day-to-day ins and outs of love. And I fell in love with him again.

Did you make any new friends in 2009? I made some, and lost them. Then I made some more. Hopefully these ones stick around.

What was your favorite month of 2009? May

Why this month? Because it was my vacation month, and vacation month is always amazing!

Did you travel outside of the US in 2009? Yes, I was in the Caribbean. I have a personal goal to leave the US at least once each year. Travel is a top priority to me. I NEED it.

How many different places did you travel to in 2009? Seven

Did you miss anybody in the past year? Yes, to be a broken record, I miss the friends that left my life

What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009? Twilight

What was your favorite song from 2009? Kings of Leon: Use Somebody

How many concerts or plays did you see in 2009? Saw DMB and a musical

Did you have a favorite concert in 2009? DMB was quite an experience. I think it’s the closest I’ll get to understanding what my mom lived through in the 70’s πŸ˜‰

What was your favorite book in 2009? Hm…. I really loved reading Eat, Pray, Love

Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? No

What was the biggest lie you told in 2009? You can hardly expect me to own up to it.

Did you treat somebody badly in 2009? If I did, I either apologized or am still not aware of it

Did somebody treat you badly in 2009? Yes, a few in fact

What was your proudest moment of 2009? Fulfilling one of my professional goals about 5 years before I expected to.

What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009? Probably saying something stupid. I say stupid things when flustered.

If you could go back to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be? Not sure that I would

Where did you work in 2009? Same place I work now

Favorite TV shows(s) of 2009? GLEE

Favorite New Band(s) of 2009? Kings of Leon

Favorite Food in 2009? Eggplant Napoleons

Favorite Drink in 2009? Sangria

What are you most looking forward to in 2010? The growth of myself personally and professionally and the shrinkage of my waistline πŸ˜‰

Perfect for chilly days: Sweet Potato Chili

Today I feel like I’m finally contributing the first, good, real post here. (We’ll call the rest “padding”.) It’s been hitting record lows this week and as a true girl raised in the south, the extent of my warm and cozy wardrobe equates to American Apparel leggings and J. Crew cardigans. I have been wearing Β Edward’s sweatshirts a lot because mine are buried somewhere in the bottom of the hamper and I don’t really feel like trying to find them. (Why would I when there’s a big, cuddly, man-scented sweatshirt just waiting at the foot of the bed for me to crawl into in the morning?)

So, like I said, it’s been chilly. And I’ve been finding myself craving warm and savory foods. For serious, everything I’ve eaten and drank in the past 48 hours has been piping hot. Tonight, I was planning on having a nice dinner together but Edward was in a serious mood and just wanted to heat up leftovers so I was left to my own devices. I’m was actually really excited because I had been wanting to try something that I knew Edward wouldn’t be interested in: chili beans on a sweet potato. He thought it sounded weird. I thought it sounded just as delicious as those spicy sweet potato chips we love so much. So tonight, I did it. And holy crap it was FANTASTIC! I found these little individually wrapped Biggins potatoes at Target and thought I’d give them a try. You just pop em in the microwave in their wrapping for 5 minutes and they come out perfectly steamed. Genius.

I scraped the sweet potato out of the skin (because I wasn’t sure how clean it was and I’m weird about stuff like that) and then loaded it up with chili beans, a sliced up seitan sausage, and a bit of cheese. Oh, and a bunch of chipotle tabasco sauce. If you haven’t had that yet, go buy some right now. It’s amazing. And the result was better than I expected. I didn’t need any salt or extra seasonings. It had so much flavor. This is definitely a quick and easy keeper recipe!

I get really excited when meals of mine are pretty much all veggies in some form. And after eating it I didn’t feel tired or sluggish. I really do enjoy how I feel after eating a clean, healthy meal. I hate the feeling of a food coma. I have actually been craving green monsters lately but I just can’t bring myself to make any frozen concoctions when it’s so cold. Murphy’s law, right?

PS. Don’t judge my horrible lack of working out. I’m so bad at it, especially when I’m busy.

(And for those wondering, I still haven’t gotten a tape measure. It’s become a bit ridiculous. But I am determined to find one so I can track my success on this weight loss/healthy overhaul journey.)

On some confessions…

My head is swirling right now because I’ve got so much to do. I’m working 12 hours tomorrow (Yes, 12 hours on New Year’s Eve) and I get a bit tired just thinking about it. And no, I don’t plan on working out tomorrow. Just like I didn’t today. (I may sneak in a 30 Day Shred tonight before bed if I don’t fall asleep at this desk first.) And I know, if I have time to blog, I have time to work out. But honestly, I’m only blogging because I’m waiting for something to finish transfering from my computer to my hard drive and I’m also answering emails so this, my friends, is MULTITASKING at it’s finest. If only I could find a way to do squats at the same time. πŸ˜‰

I thought I’d just share some of what’s swirling around in my brain right now. Hopefully getting it out on paper (ha) will clear it up and I’ll feel less stressed about tomorrow and the next few weeks…

1. While I have amazing plans and intentions for this blog, I feel like I’m slacking already. I was supposed to not start this blog until the middle/end of January but I’m not a very patient person so I started early. And now I’m feeling like a sucky blog poster. At least the blog will be padded with a few back-posts by the time I really get going. πŸ˜‰

2. There’s some sort of strange magical time shift that happens in relation to days working out and days not working out. My first 2 days doing the 30 Day Shred seemed like weeks. Now I’m on day 3 of not doing it and the days are FLYING BY. Why don’t they fly by while I’m working out. Then I could look back and be like, “Oh man, I worked out for 2 hours every day for the last 2 weeks and now I’m a few pounds lighter.” How come that never happens? Ever. Grrr…

3. My job is really physical some of the time. So I like to count days that I’m actually out of the office working as one extended work out. Maybe one day I’ll get one of those contraptions they use on the Biggest Loser that tells you how many calories you burned and wear it all day while I’m out working and see how much I actually burn. I bet it’s a fair amount. Anyone have one of those things they’d like to let me borrow. It’s for science. How can you say no to science?

4. Feeling fat and disgusting is horrible. And I feel it ALL THE TIME. And I just want to break every mirror in our entire house. (And in the world, but I don’t know if I can deal with that much bad luck.) I just want to crawl into bed and hide every time I’m faced with the task of getting dressed to actually go anywhere. I’m fine in yoga pants and hoodies at home (and to the grocery store, who are we kidding?) but having to be presentable for real life meetings or work or just going out makes me want to claw my eyeballs out. I hate it that much.

5. I’m not going to lie, sometimes the idea of just not going to the grocery store, saving money, and not having anything to eat in the house is more appealing to me than anything else. To my slightly crazy brain, it seems like a win-win. Lose weight, save money, spend saved money on super cute dresses from Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters.

So proud of myself…

I did not eat junk food today! After no time for making meals at home (or even eating meals at home because I was out of the house all day long), I refused fast food while STARVING in the car and ate trail mix and a peanut butter granola bar that I had stuffed in my bag this morning (so there’s something to this whole “planning ahead” thing after all). While I most definitely did NOT get enough water today, which I’m sure I’ll be feeling tomorrow, I did eat a power bar later in the afternoon while working and then at a big plate of salad (something I’ve been craving like CRAZY) and a bit of pasta + a roll. Oh, and… purple onions. I’m all about purple onions now. I have HATED onions all my life and now, I can’t get enough of purple onions. (In fact, that reminds me that I need to add them to the grocery list…. done.) I can literally eat them just by themselves. My mom would be SHOCKED.

I don’t have any photos because I was too busy working to take any but, I thought I’d still share. I skipped the 30 Day Shred yesterday because I’ve been so sore from it that I could barely walk and I needed to be able to walk today since that’s pretty much what I spent all day doing. And now, my legs hurt too bad to think about shredding myself. So, I’m going to call this one a day.

Did I mention how proud of myself I am? No junk food today! And it taunted me all day long!