Meet the Green Machine Jr…

As much as a hate exercise, you’d think I wouldn’t be willing to shell out cash for things having to do with it but I do. And I did. Edward convinced me to get an ipod shuffle the other day because I usually take my iphone to the gym and he yelled at me for taking it into the sauna. (It’s not wet, I don’t understand the problem but whatev.) So… I got one. And I will admit that I’m a bit excited about it. Even though the thought of running right now makes me want to hide in the closet, I do like how the shuffle clips and I won’t have to worry about dropping it. (Which has happened on more than one occasion. You’d be surprised the amount of air those babies can get flying off the back of a treadmill.) My first ever ipod was a green ipod mini and I named it “The Green Machine”. So, to keep with tradition, I decided to name this one…

I will admit, I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’m trying to maintain my composure as best I can but I’m just so sick of my body. I’m ready to throw it away. It seems to confound science and I’m just at the end of my rope with it. That being said, I’m not going to be writing about food for a little while. Because it makes me upset. Maybe a few days, maybe a week, maybe forever. I’ll keep talking about the journey and if I run (well) you know I’ll be here bragging about it. And in the mean time, I’ll keep perhaps posting recipes (when I actually make any… my schedule is insane for the next few months), and sharing what’s in my head. Hope that’s okay with everyone.

On lacking any sort of motivation, being generally overwhelmed, and only able to think of Doritoes

Today, and yesterday I have not gotten much done. I’ve had tons to do, that’s for sure. But I’m at that point where I’m just so overwhelmed by it that I shut down and hide in the living room buried under two fuzzy blankets and my MBP (surfing adoption websites because my current obsession is learning everything I can about the international adoption process. Sadly I’m slowly discovering that my original plan to one day adopt a little Thai baby girl is practically impossible. Sad face.) I haven’t even really watched any TV (which leads me to believe that we could totally survive without cable, as long as we had Netflix and Hulu because I really enjoy a few certain shows and I’ve heard you can even pay to subscribe to others via iTunes which rocks because I really love True Blood but can’t convince myself to buy HBO for it. I digress…) I don’t know why my inbox and to do list is having such an affect on me. I think fear is at the root. I’m terrified that I’m not going to do it all in time, and well enough. I’m terrified that I won’t make enough money, that I won’t be able to finish all the projects I have in the queue, that my clients will stop liking me. I’m terrified that I’ll single-handedly drive myself under and ruin everything I’ve worked for. Even typing it out I see how ridiculous it seems, and still… I’m terrified.

Multiple times each day I find myself thinking, “If only I made xxxx much money I could buy a house and another car. I could hire a personal assistant to handle email and the phone. I wouldn’t have to worry about money…” (Doesn’t that sound like the best thing ever? Seriously why is that not my life right now. If only…)

My job is wonderous. (Why is spell check redlining that word? Is wonderous not a real word? Well, hell… it is now.) And being my own boss is more amazing than anything I could hope for except that I’m already prone to anxiety and the thought that the success and or failure of myself rests completely on my shoulders is enough to make me start sitting Indian-style, rocking myself while devouring entire crates of Doritoes watching Pride and Prejudice on repeat.

I was talking with one of my friends yesterday about how I’m so sad that I won’t be able to go to yoga for a month because I have meetings each week during the yoga timeslot. She asked me why I scheduled them and I said “Because I had to. They had no other time to meet me.” And she said “You should tell them you have no other time to meet and make them bend to you. If the doctors at my office aren’t available on specific days, the patients just have to deal and make an appointment another time.” And I was all… REVELATION! And I almost made out with her out of sheer joy because she had just ripped the scales from my eyes. Why can’t I say no? Why can’t I put myself first? This is my big issue. I overcommit and overschedule and I let people push me around because I’m afraid that if I don’t bend to every potential client’s every whim, I will lose all my business and have to get a 9-5 which will make me absolutely lose my mind. Then Edward will leave me and I’ll probably end up with a beehive hairstyle slightly reminiscent of the bride of frankenstine and a bunch of cats.

BREAKTHROUGH

Now how do I keep myself from this behavior? Why knows. Any suggestions? I really need my yoga. I never have time to go to the gym because of my poor scheduling of my meetings. Because I let my potential clients dictate my availability. I don’t want to be a bitch but if someone isn’t willing to allow me to have a LIFE then I shouldn’t want them as a client anyway right?

Ps. The same friend mentioned above gifted me a tape measure from her office (A big BOOYAH for medical marketing supplies!) and I took my measurements. I’m gonna go ahead and wait to share them until they change DRASTICALLY because even I, with my utter lack of what numbers are good or bad) can tell that those numbers are not good numbers. I’d like to take about 15 inches off. Oh, and did I mention that I need to do it by the first week of February or by the LATEST the first week of March. Lord have mercy.