5.25!!!!!

I’m down 5.25 inches! Dance party time! Measuring tape is waaaayyyyy better than a scale. I still haven’t stepped on the scale and I won’t until I can shimmy my arse into a particular pair of pants that go by the name of “Joe”. But… 5.25 inches is an exciting number on it’s own. (Sidenote: my bust measurement is actually up .5. Not sure what that means or how to feel about that. Hopefully that .5 is front and center and not hiding somewhere on my back.) It’s been about a week and a half of liquid dieting (taking the entire last weekend off) and pretty much no exercise except what’s involved naturally in my day. I just felt like too much of a flabby slob to run (hey, let’s just be honest here) and I had such a busy week that there was stuff scheduled during the times of my favorite gym classes (lamesauce). Excuses aside, I’m happy about what just food intake can change. I will admit, I’m hungry for solids. Mostly out of a boredom and comfort thing though (I keep thinking about potatoes covered in cheese), not just actual hunger. Actual hunger-wise, I’m really not feeling deprived. I drink all day and I’ve been eating warm soups which fulfill my cravings for salt. Oh, and did I mention that I’m doing these measurements during “that time of the month” so I may even be less if some water weight goes away next week. (Which, now that I’m thinking about it, may be why my bust magically grew. Oh well, of all the places I’m least worried about those babies growing if you know what I mean.)

My amazing running schedule plan to run a 10K this spring has not played out. I just am bad at committing to running when I feel so bad at it. And so floppy. We’ll see if I can kick my own butt enough to actually start it. I do have that shuffle now! 😉

Edward has been a bit frustrated by the lack of “together” dinners these last weeks but he is talking more and more about all the healthy things we wants to cook once I’m ready. We were in a bit of a funk but one of our favorite things has always been cooking together so I’m excited that he is excited for that again as well.

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On lacking any sort of motivation, being generally overwhelmed, and only able to think of Doritoes

Today, and yesterday I have not gotten much done. I’ve had tons to do, that’s for sure. But I’m at that point where I’m just so overwhelmed by it that I shut down and hide in the living room buried under two fuzzy blankets and my MBP (surfing adoption websites because my current obsession is learning everything I can about the international adoption process. Sadly I’m slowly discovering that my original plan to one day adopt a little Thai baby girl is practically impossible. Sad face.) I haven’t even really watched any TV (which leads me to believe that we could totally survive without cable, as long as we had Netflix and Hulu because I really enjoy a few certain shows and I’ve heard you can even pay to subscribe to others via iTunes which rocks because I really love True Blood but can’t convince myself to buy HBO for it. I digress…) I don’t know why my inbox and to do list is having such an affect on me. I think fear is at the root. I’m terrified that I’m not going to do it all in time, and well enough. I’m terrified that I won’t make enough money, that I won’t be able to finish all the projects I have in the queue, that my clients will stop liking me. I’m terrified that I’ll single-handedly drive myself under and ruin everything I’ve worked for. Even typing it out I see how ridiculous it seems, and still… I’m terrified.

Multiple times each day I find myself thinking, “If only I made xxxx much money I could buy a house and another car. I could hire a personal assistant to handle email and the phone. I wouldn’t have to worry about money…” (Doesn’t that sound like the best thing ever? Seriously why is that not my life right now. If only…)

My job is wonderous. (Why is spell check redlining that word? Is wonderous not a real word? Well, hell… it is now.) And being my own boss is more amazing than anything I could hope for except that I’m already prone to anxiety and the thought that the success and or failure of myself rests completely on my shoulders is enough to make me start sitting Indian-style, rocking myself while devouring entire crates of Doritoes watching Pride and Prejudice on repeat.

I was talking with one of my friends yesterday about how I’m so sad that I won’t be able to go to yoga for a month because I have meetings each week during the yoga timeslot. She asked me why I scheduled them and I said “Because I had to. They had no other time to meet me.” And she said “You should tell them you have no other time to meet and make them bend to you. If the doctors at my office aren’t available on specific days, the patients just have to deal and make an appointment another time.” And I was all… REVELATION! And I almost made out with her out of sheer joy because she had just ripped the scales from my eyes. Why can’t I say no? Why can’t I put myself first? This is my big issue. I overcommit and overschedule and I let people push me around because I’m afraid that if I don’t bend to every potential client’s every whim, I will lose all my business and have to get a 9-5 which will make me absolutely lose my mind. Then Edward will leave me and I’ll probably end up with a beehive hairstyle slightly reminiscent of the bride of frankenstine and a bunch of cats.

BREAKTHROUGH

Now how do I keep myself from this behavior? Why knows. Any suggestions? I really need my yoga. I never have time to go to the gym because of my poor scheduling of my meetings. Because I let my potential clients dictate my availability. I don’t want to be a bitch but if someone isn’t willing to allow me to have a LIFE then I shouldn’t want them as a client anyway right?

Ps. The same friend mentioned above gifted me a tape measure from her office (A big BOOYAH for medical marketing supplies!) and I took my measurements. I’m gonna go ahead and wait to share them until they change DRASTICALLY because even I, with my utter lack of what numbers are good or bad) can tell that those numbers are not good numbers. I’d like to take about 15 inches off. Oh, and did I mention that I need to do it by the first week of February or by the LATEST the first week of March. Lord have mercy.

On some confessions…

My head is swirling right now because I’ve got so much to do. I’m working 12 hours tomorrow (Yes, 12 hours on New Year’s Eve) and I get a bit tired just thinking about it. And no, I don’t plan on working out tomorrow. Just like I didn’t today. (I may sneak in a 30 Day Shred tonight before bed if I don’t fall asleep at this desk first.) And I know, if I have time to blog, I have time to work out. But honestly, I’m only blogging because I’m waiting for something to finish transfering from my computer to my hard drive and I’m also answering emails so this, my friends, is MULTITASKING at it’s finest. If only I could find a way to do squats at the same time. 😉

I thought I’d just share some of what’s swirling around in my brain right now. Hopefully getting it out on paper (ha) will clear it up and I’ll feel less stressed about tomorrow and the next few weeks…

1. While I have amazing plans and intentions for this blog, I feel like I’m slacking already. I was supposed to not start this blog until the middle/end of January but I’m not a very patient person so I started early. And now I’m feeling like a sucky blog poster. At least the blog will be padded with a few back-posts by the time I really get going. 😉

2. There’s some sort of strange magical time shift that happens in relation to days working out and days not working out. My first 2 days doing the 30 Day Shred seemed like weeks. Now I’m on day 3 of not doing it and the days are FLYING BY. Why don’t they fly by while I’m working out. Then I could look back and be like, “Oh man, I worked out for 2 hours every day for the last 2 weeks and now I’m a few pounds lighter.” How come that never happens? Ever. Grrr…

3. My job is really physical some of the time. So I like to count days that I’m actually out of the office working as one extended work out. Maybe one day I’ll get one of those contraptions they use on the Biggest Loser that tells you how many calories you burned and wear it all day while I’m out working and see how much I actually burn. I bet it’s a fair amount. Anyone have one of those things they’d like to let me borrow. It’s for science. How can you say no to science?

4. Feeling fat and disgusting is horrible. And I feel it ALL THE TIME. And I just want to break every mirror in our entire house. (And in the world, but I don’t know if I can deal with that much bad luck.) I just want to crawl into bed and hide every time I’m faced with the task of getting dressed to actually go anywhere. I’m fine in yoga pants and hoodies at home (and to the grocery store, who are we kidding?) but having to be presentable for real life meetings or work or just going out makes me want to claw my eyeballs out. I hate it that much.

5. I’m not going to lie, sometimes the idea of just not going to the grocery store, saving money, and not having anything to eat in the house is more appealing to me than anything else. To my slightly crazy brain, it seems like a win-win. Lose weight, save money, spend saved money on super cute dresses from Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters.

So proud of myself…

I did not eat junk food today! After no time for making meals at home (or even eating meals at home because I was out of the house all day long), I refused fast food while STARVING in the car and ate trail mix and a peanut butter granola bar that I had stuffed in my bag this morning (so there’s something to this whole “planning ahead” thing after all). While I most definitely did NOT get enough water today, which I’m sure I’ll be feeling tomorrow, I did eat a power bar later in the afternoon while working and then at a big plate of salad (something I’ve been craving like CRAZY) and a bit of pasta + a roll. Oh, and… purple onions. I’m all about purple onions now. I have HATED onions all my life and now, I can’t get enough of purple onions. (In fact, that reminds me that I need to add them to the grocery list…. done.) I can literally eat them just by themselves. My mom would be SHOCKED.

I don’t have any photos because I was too busy working to take any but, I thought I’d still share. I skipped the 30 Day Shred yesterday because I’ve been so sore from it that I could barely walk and I needed to be able to walk today since that’s pretty much what I spent all day doing. And now, my legs hurt too bad to think about shredding myself. So, I’m going to call this one a day.

Did I mention how proud of myself I am? No junk food today! And it taunted me all day long!

BOW TO YOUR QUEEN EVIL JUNK FOODS!